


Tiny, tiny Stars

by bbyrain



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Coming of Age, Fluff, High School, M/M, Post-High School, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-12
Updated: 2020-07-30
Packaged: 2021-03-04 04:22:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 19,610
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24677629
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bbyrain/pseuds/bbyrain
Summary: Knitting has always been Chanyeol’s favourite hobby, gentle and peaceful, like quiet whispers of the first snow. Yet, despite the tender patterns of soft yarn, Chanyeol always manages to find himself beneath the irksome glares of Byun Baekhyun, who forever casts an unfriendly expression every chance he witnesses the silver knitting needles in Chanyeol’s hands. What possibly makes the other hate him so much, Chanyeol doesn’t have a clue. But one thing is certainly clear - neither of them think they will ever get along.
Relationships: Byun Baekhyun & Park Chanyeol
Comments: 10
Kudos: 26





	1. Winter is Coming

**Author's Note:**

> Hello hello! This is bbyrain (≧◡≦)  
> After going through all the lovely comments and retweets on my BAE submission, I finally decided to make some good use of this account. To be honest, I actually planned to be a BAE exclusive writer. But seeing all your support really meant the world to me and writing is just such a valuable hobby amongst few that I dearly cherish. So, here it is, my first gift to every beautiful person curious enough to open this story.  
> (P.s. the idea for this story came from the words of Jackson Yee on the show Welcome Back to Sound)  
> Peace! (^з^)-☆

As the first sprinkle of snow landed upon the quiet baseball field, Park Chanyeol closed the window beside him inside the cosy classroom. There were tiny white fluffs that rested over his dark locks, which soon disappeared beneath the rowdy chatters of the baseball team who returned from their lunchtime practice. But unlike everyone else around him, Chanyeol paid them no mind. Rather, his eyes shifted to the knitting needles that gently rested over the top of his desk, the tender hue of lilac yarn that resembled blossoms of spring. It was his sister’s favourite colour.

Merely at the thought of his sister’s return from Australia in the next month drew a smile of anticipation to Chanyeol’s lips. Yet, before the tip of his silver needle looped through another tiny whirl, just as the woollen string danced over soft patterns, a snarky snigger was tossed towards him. Park Chanyeol looked up to his right. His eyes were nonchalant and void of colours.

“What kind of man knits during lunch?” Obnoxiously, the baseball captain stole a smug glance at Chanyeol as he spoke to the rest of the team.

The others laughed, their voices like hard, rubber balls that bounced off thin walls.

The corner of Chanyeol’s lips lightly trembled for a brief second as he quickly looked away. It’s okay, the boy thought to himself. They weren’t bad people, just fools who were too caught up in their rigid facades. That was right. There was no need for him to feel bothered.

But once was alright. Twice was tolerable. The third time, however, wasn’t something to be ignored anymore.

The baseball captain suddenly stepped over with loud footsteps that carried a trail of icy prints. “Purple?” Byun Baekhyun snorted as he stared down with heatless eyes. “What a sissy.”

His snide whisper landed at Chanyeol’s ear like the final pebble that broke through the surface of a frozen lake. At once, the boy gently placed his needles aside and stood up with firm eyes.

Park Chanyeol was a tiny bit taller than Byun Baekhyun, but between the two of them, there was something about the shorter boy that resembled a wild beast hungry for the taste of blood. On the other hand, Chanyeol seemed rather defenceless and vulnerable, despite his large frame, like a tall, chalky dandelion caught within a deafening storm. Nervous glances were tossed around the class as the two soundless stared at one another with enough intensity to silence the entire room. Neither of them was willing back down.

With clenched fists that were pale and tight, Chanyeol tightly pressed together his lips. It took every thread of self-control to pull back hasty words on the verge of bouncing off his tongue, because the boy knew he would definitely come to regret them.

The truth was, the two were almost in their third year of high school and just in another few months, they would never cross paths again. Resist, Chanyeol thought to himself. Don’t give in.

Don’t give in.

And so, with a small sigh, the taller of the two shook his head before he sat back down. Long, delicate fingers found their way back around the silver needles as the ball of lilac wool slowly rolled over the smooth surface of the desk. A gentle strand twirled in endless rings that stacked over one another, as if everything from a few seconds ago were mere winter breezes. But despite his unfazed expression, Park Chanyeol felt a clear chill run down his spine.

The metal legs of the table harshly trembled as a violent kick left nothing but an echoed roar. The ball of lilac rolled to the ground, followed by an irritated click of tongue as Baekhyun turned his haughty back to the other. With the loud thuds of his shoes, the boy stomped out the classroom without looking back.

Out of relief, Chanyeol wordlessly reopened the window beside him. As the frosty winter air brushed over the tip of his nose, his eyes glued over the lone figure in baseball jacket who seemed ever so small amongst the sea of white specks. There was something unexplainably captivating about Byun Baekhyun, despite his rude manners and condescending gaze that always pressed over everyone else. Something small and fragile. Something weak and naïve. Something that seemed to be so perfectly concealed behind a fearless mask that all was left were hushed stains of silent tears.

As the other’s backside finally disappeared from Chanyeol’s sight, a wild thought suddenly occurred to him. The boy lifted his gaze from the window to his sister’s unfinished gloves, and then back at the white scenery outside again.

He gave himself a tiny nod of approval.

~~~

The first time Park Chanyeol encountered Byun Baekhyun was a day in autumn.

Beneath the falling leaves that resembled a shower of gold, the school ground was rowdy as always, occupied by banters and cheers from the lunchtime sport clubs and everyone else who had finished their food in the cafeteria. It was a day when Chanyeol found himself seated alone at a deserted bench near the storage room because Sehun had a stomach-ache that morning. As always, his silver knitting needles were gently rested between long, careful fingers, as the clouds above slowly hovered over the faint sunlight.

“The fuck do you want?”

At once, Chanyeol lifted up his head. He peered to his right where a dark shadow stood beneath the arched shelter of the nearest building. Quietly, the boy picked up his ball of yarn and stepped away.

“That was a spitball.” A voice much more composed than the first one uttered. It was low, yet not deep enough to leave a daunting impression. Park Chanyeol suddenly felt immensely curious. He couldn’t help to wonder how the owner of the voice must look like.

Perhaps someone studious and tall, who wore black framed glasses and stood straight with immense dignity and control. The boy thought to himself as he leaned against the lightless wall. An upperclassman, for sure.

“And what would you know?” The other person impatiently replied. “Just mind your fucking business first year!”

“You are the captain, yet you are still pulling dirty tricks like that. Do you know how dangerous that could have been?”

A violent shuffle of footsteps soon followed.

“So? It was only thanks to me we managed to win in the end.” The captain’s voice sounded too much like a dangerous threat for Chanyeol to escape from the scene unnoticed. He slowly placed his needles and yarn on the clearest patch of ground and stood a little straighter, as if ready to leap out at any given second.

The captain continued, “If you dare to say anything to the coach, I’ll make sure you’re off the team for good. Now, wouldn’t that be fun?”

The other boy didn’t reply.

“Before your first game, too.”

Chanyeol clenched his fists.

“You aren’t very bright, are you?” The captain sniggered. “To chase after me alone like this. You see, there are a lot of things a popular third year can do to a naïve first year like you. Mind to find out?”

Park Chanyeol was about to step away from the shadow when he was abrupt stopped by a string of words that sounded oddly brave.

“You can’t afford to be expelled before the CSAT. This is your second time taking the tests, isn’t it?”

Slowly, Chanyeol’s fists unclenched themselves as he stood back again. The timing of the school bell was perfect when a loud ring echoed across the campus, right at the same time when Chanyeol’s ears picked up angry footsteps that resembled the beginning to something immensely unpleasant.

It was a minute later when he finally reappeared beneath the tender daylight. Except, the boy felt like he was caught red-handed when a pair of unfriendly eyes met his own. It was perhaps the sharpest glare he had ever witnessed.

Still cladded in the baseball uniform was a boy with short raven hair whose thin lips were pale and tight. He was about the same height as Chanyeol but oozed an unexplainable aura that the boy couldn’t put his words to. Something wild and fierce, yet also something untainted and pure. The other boy didn’t spare him another glance as he finally walked away from the storage room, the disappearing backside of his straight and firm, as if holding onto a kind of dignity that mattered just as much value as the entire world.

That was when Park Chanyeol learnt something exceptionally important - Byun Baekhyun certainly wasn’t someone to be messed with.

~~~

It wasn’t a particular surprise when Chanyeol found his name in the same class list as Baekhyun beneath shadows of the cherry blossoms, as the softest sunlight that spring gleamed over the crown of his raven hair. Amongst the moving crowd, their eyes fatefully met for the briefest moment, before the shorter boy threw over a look of disdain. Chanyeol sighed to himself as he began to walk away.

It was a mystery why out of everyone else at school, it just so happened to be him who forever seemed to trample over Baekhyun’s nerves, as if they were the worn enemies of rivalry kingdoms since the moment of birth. Because it wasn’t like Chanyeol ever wanted the other’s attention or purposely provoked him for unknown seasons. Yet, every chance they crossed paths on the school campus, there always lingered a cloud of rigidness, so anxiously suffocating that the air would immediately turn cold.

For countless times, Chanyeol wondered if he was merely overthinking. But it was clear that everyone else around him also felt the same.

“Hey.” Sehun stepped over as he placed an arm over Chanyeol’s shoulders. “You’re in the same class as the tiger again. Do you want to ask the teachers if you can switch to mine instead?”

The other replied with a gentle shake of his head. “No, it’s fine. In a few months we won’t ever see each other again. And plus, I’m about half a head taller than him now. If he really wants to fight, I might even stand a chance.”

At that, Sehun laughed. “My mum won’t give you free dentures if you lose your teeth.”

Chanyeol gave him a playful kick. “Then you can also forget about your free desserts at my parents’ café!”

~~~

Like the arrangement of peculiar flower vases that occupied the glass front of “Coffee by the Park”, Byun Baekhyun was a combination of everything fascinatingly curious yet delicately sharp. He was no bully, Chanyeol nodded to himself as he watched the red yarn carefully intertwine, led through a graceful dance by a dainty ballerina. Yet, at the very same time, it was clear that Byun Baekhyun was no saint either. As if treading over a thin thread between two different worlds, Chanyeol couldn’t quite decide if the shorter boy belonged to either of them. It was always so simple to pinpoint the hero and villain of each fictional story, yet as Chanyeol sat by the window of his desk, his mind drifting to places much further than what his eyes could perceive, the world suddenly felt immensely complicated and heavy.

The truth was, Park Chanyeol had always been a little odd for someone his age. Maybe odd wasn’t the best word to describe his fixation on invisible daydreams, but the boy would always find himself captured within a cloud of wonder. To Chanyeol, there always existed something unexplainably intriguing about the endless web of unpredictability that spun towards the future ahead. Perhaps it had something to do with the way he grew up, showered by the kind of familial love that was warm enough to paint Chanyeol’s world beneath a gentle orange haze. Or maybe, he had always just been someone gifted to infinitely dream without minding the harsh footsteps of reality that trailed ever so close from behind.

It was something that never really occurred to him, but Park Chanyeol was definitely a special kind of his own. A tiny daisy that bloomed amongst a field of green.

“Push your chair in.” Byun Baekhyun deadpanned beside him with eyes that were dangerously narrow. It was as if Chanyeol had casted an unspoken spell, one that always made Baekhyun appear grumpy and cold around him.

The said boy softly placed down his knitting needles before he wordlessly tugged in his chair.

While Chanyeol liked to indulge his thoughts in all sorts of things, he was never too fascinated by the idea of fate. But life was always unexpected and strange, which Chanyeol must admit as he found himself suddenly allocated on the seat beside Byun Baekhyun for the rest of the year. Maybe it was a challenge of sort, something for Park Chanyeol to prove his tolerance and will.

“Why on earth would you bother with that shit?” uttered Baekhyun.

Chanyeol didn’t spare a glance at the other. “You can like baseball, so why can’t I like knitting?”

“Are you deaf? Or do you just not hear what everyone says about you?”

“And why would you care?” With his eyes yet fixated on the unfinished scarf, Chanyeol nonchalantly retorted. “Are you bothered by what they say?”

Baekhyun snorted. “As if.”

Their conversations forever rushed to a sharp finish like fragmented rhythms of a broken record, grimacingly bitter yet unexplainably amusing. To Park Chanyeol, at least. Perhaps, somewhere within the deepest corner of his heart hid a tiny spark that gleamed beneath Byun Baekhyun’s chilling presence, a flicker of light so small and fragile that it was simple to miss.

Because Chanyeol was certain they would never get along with each other.

But, then again, it wasn’t like it really mattered.

~~~

The day when Park Chanyeol noticed something odd about Byun Baekhyun was nothing but ordinary.

Beneath the golden afternoon gleam, Chanyeol quietly made his way towards his parents’ café with earbuds plugged in. Summer had arrived far earlier than usual, which drifted a honey-like density to the warm air.

Although English had always been one of his worst subjects, Chanyeol was aware of the lame pun behind “Coffee by the Park”. It was a name given by his sister whose rosy cheeks lifted ever so high each time she pronounced it with her accented English. But the park that once accompanied Chanyeol’s vivid childhood had long been abandoned, its lovely flowerbeds now occupied by furniture scraps and broken electronics.

The thought of something once so beautiful eventually buried beneath a façade of gloom always made Chanyeol a little melancholic, as if a piece of his youth was tossed behind dust of grey.

Suddenly, at the sound of loud banters from the direction of the junk yard, the boy took out his earbuds. Despite evidence of anxiety that occupied his eyes, Chanyeol’s footsteps immediately shifted with no hesitation. As agitated voices hastily abandoned the peaceful air, with awful sneers and curses tainting the innocence of summer, Chanyeol could tell they were about his age.

“Fuck off loser!”

“I can’t believe he is a thieve. To think he is the baseball captain at his school.”

“That son of a bitch was abandoned by his dad who was an alcoholic. Of course he would steal!”

Chanyeol gradually paused in his steps. Baseball captain, he silently repeated inside his head. Could did it be-

“I said I didn’t steal!” An infuriated voice sharply bounced off the hard concrete. Yet something about it was also starkly vulnerable, helpless, and void of hope. Something almost unexplainably pitiful.

With clenched fists, Park Chanyeol marched ahead.

Beneath the unforgiving silhouette of towering figures was indeed Byun Baekhyun, whose body shakily rested against the ground with a dark bruise at the corner of his lips. An unexpected thought immediately rose to the top of Chanyeol’s head, which was rather cold and cruel despite his usual gentle demeanour. The Byun Baekhyun who forever acted so high and mighty in front him, why wasn’t he getting up?

Never before had Park Chanyeol’s eyes been so unsparing and colourless until this moment.

Wasn’t Byun Baekhyun supposed to be someone tough and fearsome?

Had it all been just an act in front of him?

Chanyeol wasn’t sure if a reason existed at all, when a wild flame of anger suddenly blazed through his system as the boy harshly placed a firm hand over the shoulder of the nearest figure.

“What’s going on?” Emotionless and solemn, he quietly questioned.

The girl, who sported a different uniform to his own, seemed rather flustered at Chanyeol’s abrupt approach, as she mumbled for the attention of the boy whose shadow casted over Baekhyun.

“Mind your own business.” The leader of the group harshly spat across the rigid air. “We are just teaching this fucker a lesson.”

“You are ganging up on him.” Chanyeol calmly replied.

“So? Fuck off while I still consider to be nice. Or do you want to replace this son of a bitch instead?”

Park Chanyeol slowly gazed down until his eyes finally landed on Baekhyun. If the group leader’s stare looked irritated and out of patience, then Byun Baekhyun’s unblinking eyes merely wished for the other to vanish into thin air. The thought irked Chanyeol, immensely so.

“If all of you are smart enough, you should know that there are two surveillance cameras above you, right?” He uttered. “Not a single person here can be missed.”

Both which had been broken for four years, the boy then thought to himself.

The leader of the group hissed in annoyance. He threw one last scowl at Chanyeol before exiting from the narrow path with a hushed retort, “It wasn’t like I was going to kill him.” He then paused in his steps and looked back at Baekhyun.

“You better explain yourself to the orphanage. Or else.” To Park Chanyeol, the final words sounds a lot like a threat.

The group finally left the scene as a gentle breeze brushed over Chanyeol’s raven hair, whose eyes hadn’t left Baekhyun for a single second. The other’s lips were harshly pressed to a tight line as he glared back at Chanyeol, with enough intensity to wipe away the world around them.

Neither of them spoke amidst the daunting silence.

And then abruptly, like a tiny pin that dropped onto a pane of glass, Byun Baekhyun leapt up from the ground with an agonised hiss that didn’t escape unnoticed from Chanyeol’s ears. The taller boy could only watch soundlessly, as the other sprinted further into the shadow, until all that was left were the trampled weeds on broken gravels.

But what Park Chanyeol didn’t witness where tender tears that painstakingly slid down Baekhyun’s cheeks as he endlessly cursed at everything in the world, including himself. Tears that were also impatiently wiped away within the span of mere few seconds when the boy found himself caught inside a dead end. He crouched down to the ground, his head buried within the darkness of his folded elbows.

For a long time, neither of them moved from their spots.

It seemed summer had arrived far too early.

~~~

It was during lunch, when a tangled mess of crimson rested over the tiled floor as Chanyeol returned from the restroom with pale, cold hands. The soft yarn that had once ornamented the delicate patterns of vines and swirls became nothing but a pile of broken strings, like fragmented whispers that floated over the shadowed roof of the classroom.

“They should have stopped.”

“It wasn’t like he did anything wrong.”

“Then why didn’t you tell them off?”

“As if you are the one to talk. You just watched like the rest of us.”

Park Chanyeol’s chest rose up and down, ever so suffocatingly, as he eyed the littered floor with clenched fists. At once, there were many things that flashed through the thunderstorm of his thoughts, violent and untamed, dangerously ready to hunt down every prey within his sight. But the boy didn’t move from his spot. Not a single bit. He waited for the whispers to gradually die down, the shifty glances to hesitantly disappear, and the entire space to be filled with nothing but silent guilt.

That was right.

Park Chanyeol may be patient and composed, but he was no fool or coward. Slowly, he picked up the broken strings of yarn and sewing needles that were left awkwardly bare beneath the silhouette of his desk.

Byun Baekhyun was nowhere to be seen, the same as every other member of the baseball team.

It had been a week since Chanyeol witnessed the Byun Baekhyun at the junk yard, the one that seemed rather weak and afraid. Neither of them had brought up the topic at school, yet the air between them grew stiffer than ever, as if the last drop of ink had finally stained an entire glass of water.

At the thought of the other boy, the corner of Chanyeol’s lips flinched by the slightest bit.

_Don’t give in._

_Don’t give in._

_Don’t give in._

\-------

Baekhyun’s eyes were emotionless and hard when he found two sewing needles over the top of his desk, with a droplet of light reflected over their silver surfaces like a suppressed glare. His eyes slowly moved to the seat beside his own, which emptily rested beneath the soft afternoon light.

“Where is he?” Without taking his eyes off Park Chanyeol’s seat, Baekhyun questioned.

A member of the baseball team who just so happened to pass by paused for a small moment. “Probably off crying somewhere.” His replied ended with a small snigger.

Abruptly, Baekhyun turned his head with tense, questioning eyes. “Why?” He deadpanned.

It had been no secret that everyone on the baseball team was somewhat intimidated by Baekhyun, whose presence forever carried a kind of indescribable fury, as if the entire world was his enemy. Slowly, the other boy took a careful step back.

“It was only a small dare. I didn’t think the guys would take it that far.” He nervously replied.

“What dare?”

The other boy gulped. His voice turned shaky, just as the rest of the room paused to a uniform, frightening silence.

“T-to cut the string of his yarn. It was only meant to be just once! But everyone began to chip in and… a-and whatever he was knitting before is now in there.” A weak finger pointed towards the back of the class, where the rubbish bin dejectedly stood.

Subconsciously, Baekhyun’s hands had clenched into hard fists as he threateningly lung forward. “Why the fuck would you do that?!” His voice was low and sharp.

Other members of the baseball team suddenly leapt out from across the room and stood firmly in front of Baekhyun, as if shielding the other boy from a wild beast. “A-aren’t you the one who always called him names? So why are you so worked up about it?!” One of them called from the back of the group.

A voice followed by another; the classroom suddenly submerged beneath a revolt of angry cries.

“Yeah! Aren’t you the one who started everything Byun Baekhyun!?”

“Who the hell are you to swear at Jaehyun like that?”

“Just because he’s the captain, he thinks he is the king of the world.”

“We’ve had enough of your bitchy tantrums! Give us a fucking break!”

“I bet he bribed the coach to become captain in the first place. He isn’t even that great himself.”

Shameless, bitter and agonisingly acute, each word passed through Baekhyun’s ears like whispers of an endless nightmare. His lips gradually pressed into a pale line, a daunting signal for utter quietness. Yet, beneath the façade of pride and rage hid tiny trembles, and legs that began to grow weak at each fleeting second. Byun Baekhyun was no beast after all. It was just, there were too many times when even the boy himself had forgotten he was just an unlucky person who held a small, weak heart. Something that needed the mask of a thousand needles to protect.

With a last distasteful hiss, Baekhyun walked out the room. As he disappeared through the dim corridor, his back was straighter than ever as if clinging to the last string of dignity that kept Byun Baekhyun hanging off the cliff of reality.

But it was before the door to the school infirmary when his legs finally collapsed in nothing but utter misery, like the weak pillars of a broken doll.

Uncontrollably, his chest rose up and down as Baekhyun found himself shaking more terrifyingly than ever. His arms desperately wrapped around his torso, a hopeless manner to calm himself down when nothing seemed to be getting better. It was suffocating, too difficult to breathe. A warm tear rolled down his cheek, followed by another, and a couple more. Byun Baekhyun hated himself for crying but the tears just wouldn’t stop.

He wished for everything to just be over.

Yet at the same moment, the door to the infirmary soundlessly opened, which revealed a blinding ray of light that made the corners of Baekhyun’s eyes spark like priceless jewels. Somewhat taken aback, the boy hastily rubbed his eyes with a lot more force than needed. He was caught in a daze when a firm hand reached towards him and pulled him up again with the kind of force that wasn’t too strong or weak. It felt gentle and tender, yet careful and somewhat hesitant.

Byun Baekhyun wished his heart wasn’t skipping ever so frantically.

“What’s wrong?” asked Chanyeol.

If Baekhyun remembered correctly, just about an hour ago, they couldn’t even bare the presence of each other without making the fact more obvious than ever. What possibly could have changed in so little time?

Or, was it only Baekhyun who had ever felt that way?

The boy didn’t want to ask himself that question.

He also didn’t mean to shrug off Chanyeol’s hand so harshly as Byun Baekhyun turned his face away from the other. “Why would you care…” Defensively, he muttered.

“Just asking.” Chanyeol nonchalantly replied. The taller boy didn’t say anything more, before his footsteps began to pick up their composed pace away from the infirmary door.

Impatiently, with tightly clenched fists Baekhyun hurriedly turned towards the other’s vanishing backside as he called across the corridor, “Why aren’t you blaming me?! I know you want to curse on me right now so just fucking do it!!” His voice broke off at the last few words with a weak tremor.

Byun Baekhyun truly hated himself at this moment, incredibly so, more than ever before. He forcibly squeezed close his glassy eyes.

Park Chanyeol’s footsteps had long paused since the very first word that departed from Baekhyun’s lips.

“I don’t see the point.”

Byun Baekhyun was left alone in the corridor with a strange mixture of sensations that violently pressed against the soft flesh of his heart.

~~~

When he quietly entered the orphanage through the back gate, Baekhyun found Mrs Kim, the supervisor of the older children, who seemed to have waited for him beside the closed veranda door.

“It’s already dark.” She uttered. “Where have you been?”

“Just cooling off my head.” With his head down, Baekhyun muttered back a small reply. He could already detect it, the rigidness of the air around them that revealed nothing but unease.

The truth was, Baekhyun had been preparing himself for this moment since May. It had been tolerant of Mrs Kim to not utter a word until now, yet just the thought of her next few sentences made Byun Baekhyun feel ever so lost and small. The sensation of hopelessness that had perhaps visited him a little too often since the arrival of the new year.

“Baekhyun, do you have any plans for the future?”

The said boy didn’t lift up his head as he pondered on nothing but a cloud of grey. Plans, future, himself. For a nineteen-year-old those words strangely carried an enormous weight that was unbearably heavy. He slowly shook his head.

Mrs Kim sighed, “You can be a little impatient at times, but I know you are a good kid. Maybe it’s about time to think about those things.” She paused for a small moment. “You are already nineteen, and I’m sure you are aware of how things run at this orphanage. I can’t ask you to leave like this when nothing has been sorted out about your future.”

“I-I’ll find a part-time job.” Baekhyun whispered. “Please give me some time.”

Another sigh departed from Mrs Kim as she stepped away from the cool night air and entered back inside. She didn’t wait for Baekhyun to follow her, nor did she ever look back at the boy again. Baekhyun’s breaths were soft and shallow when he found himself seated by the tiny patch of cherry tomatoes that the young kids had grown. Unlike the mask of haughty confidence which he wore at school, the boy’s back cowered ever so gradually. Byun Baekhyun felt exhausted.

Ever since the day his drunken father left him standing alone at the front of the orphanage, there forever lingered a part of Baekhyun, anxiously hoping to abandon the same kind of coward as his father that also existed in himself.

He cried, he fought, he bit back.

He pretended, he ignored, he held his head high.

He was unlike the other kids his own age, the ones who lived a supposedly ‘normal’ life with a ‘normal’ family. Rather, it was as if Byun Baekhyun was merely surviving like a ferocious animal, paranoid of another’s touch. Just the anxious thought of being abandoned a second time was something that could tear him apart in the blink of an eye, an invisible bullet that flew through the dark woods.

After all, a façade was merely a thin stretch of paper, ever so breakable and fragile.

As Baekhyun sat alone beneath the lightless sky, he didn’t cry. The wetness on his cheeks were instead fallen droplets of the gloomy rain as the boy gazed blankly at the gate of the orphanage. He remembered how incredibly tall it once appeared. That day, Baekhyun was woken up early by his father, who was strangely cladded in his old black suit. As always, the man carried the familiar scent of alcohol that was never once absent at his presence, from the day Baekhyun’s mother turned her bruised back to the door and didn’t come back.

For the first time since forever, Baekhyun found his hand tenderly held within his father’s much larger one as they slowly travelled down the streets that were yet to be lit by the morning sunlight. The boy wore his favourite backpack, the red one with a tall, smiling giraffe.

He was seven years old, not big enough to understand every meaning in the world yet not small enough to easily forget.

Of course Baekhyun waited for his father to return as he stood beneath the street lamp that slowly dimmed down, until its illuminance was replaced by the first ray of sunlight. Of course he was stubborn and refused to move an inch when Mrs Kim found him crouched on the ground like a tiny stray kitten.

But that man never returned.

Sometimes Byun Baekhyun wondered why he was born in the first place. Was there even a place in the world for him to reside? Would there ever be a person who would care enough about him to not depart from his side? The boy didn’t dare to hope. He couldn’t afford to dream when reality was close enough to completely hunt him down, its cold spears sharp enough to pierce through his heaving chest.

Perhaps this was why Byun Baekhyun always hated people like Park Chanyeol. People who had been basked in endless warmth since the moment they were born, people who had enough empathy to spare for others, people whose eyes were irritatingly naïve as they reflected every gentle gleam of the universe above. People who didn’t need to pretend.

“Goddamn it.” Baekhyun muttered as he sunk his face onto the damp palm of his hands.

Everything that had occurred at school suddenly flashed through his mind like pages of a thin book. Yet, it was on the final page when Baekhyun paused before the face of a tall boy with elvish ears, whose wide eyes occupied by all the colours that were absent in Baekhyun’s own world.

He wished he could disappear, if it meant everything that troubled his heart would vanish, too.

\------

Chanyeol didn’t think it would trouble him this much, the sight of an empty chair beside him as each lesson passed by like white noises of the streets on a rainy day.

A day, then a week, and finally, a whole month.

Not once had Byun Baekhyun turned up at school as if he had somehow vanished into thin air. The baseball team had chosen someone else to fulfil his position, yet it was apparent that the boy’s presence was too striking to be replaced. ‘What happened to Byun Baekhyun?’ soon became the unspoken question that lingered at the back of everyone’s mind.

It must’ve been kept a secret, what he heard on the day that he stumbled across the junk yard, Chanyeol thought to himself. If Byun Baekhyun truly was an orphan then that meant aside from the orphanage, there wasn’t another way for the school to contact him. For an unknown reason, the idea suddenly made Chanyeol somewhat nervous.

Was he worried about Byun Baekhyun?

Perhaps the most stubborn part of Park Chanyeol didn’t want to admit. Yet, the image of the other boy’s tears seemed to have forever glued itself to the back of his mind, becoming something permanent and irreplaceable. Chanyeol wished his heart would stop squeezing so harshly each chance the thought of the other getting hurt crossed his thoughts. It wasn’t his business.

But it was Byun Baekhyun.

It was his fault for pushing himself into Park Chanyeol’s life first.

~~~

Twirling and swirling, despite Baekhyun’s long absence at school the dance of time never once came to a pause. As the dusty autumn leaves began to catch the first signs of winters, so did the empty tables across the third-year classrooms. Studying and revision had occupied every page of the soon-to-end calendars as Park Chanyeol found himself seated amongst countless others inside the cramped library. It had almost become something robotic, the way each day passed by, until the examination day circled in red had finally emerged above the white glossy sheet.

Park Chanyeol felt proud of himself for making this far, as he took fast strides away from the examination hall and into the warm embrace of his sister and parents. Yet, a tiny seed, something almost invisibly small had planted itself at the pit of his tender heart. A tremble of concern, a skip of sorrow, and a gleam of unspoken hope. Everything that hid behind the silhouette of a shorter boy cladded in his worn baseball jacket.

Those were the feelings held by Chanyeol as he stepped onto the campus in mid-winter, one of his last days as a third-year senior before graduation.

As he sat down at his own seat, the boy’s eyes couldn’t help to shift towards the white paper bag he had placed on the chair beside his own since late autumn. With a small sigh, Chanyeol pushed open a tiny gap from the window. Slowly, he closed his eyes against the cool sensation of the falling snow.

“I think I just saw Byun Baekhyun. I heard he’s back to pick up his things.”

Chanyeol’s eyes fluttered open. Abruptly, he turned towards the direction of the voice and questioned, “Where is he?”

The other looked taken aback but answered nonetheless, “He was at the change rooms-”

But before the student could finish, Chanyeol already found himself running out the classroom door with the paper bag dangling off his shaky fingers. It had been a while since the last time Park Chanyeol’s heart pounded so incredibly fast, the rapid thuds almost deafening within the dim hallways that he thoughtlessly sped through.

The feather-like snowflakes always held a melancholic gesture of its own. As if whisperings the last words of farewell beneath the sky of white and grey, the fallen specks dotted Chanyeol’s ruffled hair and pink nose. He suddenly wished for time to stop for just a tiny moment so the boy could somewhat catch his breath. Yet, a voice embedded deep within Chanyeol’s head repeatedly chimed like a cautious alarm. _There was no time to spare._

So Park Chanyeol ran and ran, until he reached the change rooms on the other side of the frozen school ground with watery eyes and uneven breaths. The boy wasn’t sure what made him so incredibly desperate to finally stand in front of Byun Baekhyun, whose wide eyes revealed a small world of uncertainty and unease. Chanyeol thought that maybe he was going mad because for a strange reason, he suddenly wished to laugh out loud.

It was rare to see Baekhyun like this, unshielded from the stiff material of his faded baseball jacket and worn mitt. He almost looked approachable, Chanyeol believed as the faintest smile subconsciously casted over his features.

“What?” Uttered Baekhyun, whose tiny gestures began to appear more defensive as each second ticked pass by.

It still hadn’t caught up to Chanyeol how exceptionally close he stood in front of the other, to the point the taller boy had to lower his chin to stare at Baekhyun with an indescribable delight that was too apparent to hide. Gently, he lifted up the paper bag and pressed it into Byun Baekhyun’s arms.

“What the fuck-”

“Graduation gift.” Chanyeol grinned.

Baekhyun’s expression was nothing but of suspicion and wariness as his slender fingers brushed over the cold surface of the bag, before carefully diving inside. The other boy immediately looked up at Chanyeol, then back down, then up at Chanyeol again with confusion never once departing from his features. He didn’t utter a word.

As Baekhyun slowly picked up the crimson scarf, Chanyeol’s voice was low and soft.

“I must admit that no matter how much I tried to ignore it, the sting to your words always remained. But you can feel it right? The softness of the yarn that is anything but harmful, unlike the prejudice some of you hold. For a man to knit does nothing hurtful to other, but words are a whole different matter.”

“I-”

“I guess what I want to say is,” Chanyeol smiled. “this is my own way of living. This is also my own way of resisting and fighting back. Life doesn’t have to be so rigid all the times Baekhyun. Because more often than not, there is a choice.”

Park Chanyeol didn’t remain behind to witness a flush of red that gradually painted over the other’s cheeks, or his confusion that soon melted into faint anger and frustration, as if suppressing back the flames of a thousand words that Chanyeol so easily walked away from. At once, as the taller boy dashed across the campus a second time with dishevelled air and the dark material of his school blazer dotted by snow, his laugh resonated through the chilly air like the sparks of Christmas lights that began to ornament the streets of Seoul.

He hoped Byun Baekhyun won’t throw the scarf away. After all, Chanyeol had spent so long much care on its delicate patterns as if fixing a tiny piece of his tender heart over its fuzzy surface. He simply wished for the scarf to remain a warm reminder, nothing more and nothing less.

~~~

That was the final time Park Chanyeol ever encountered Byun Baekhyun, whose absence at the spring graduation did not escape unnoticed. Slowly but steadily, the two of them seemed to have stepped onto different paths, the distance between them merely growing larger and larger, the memories of high school left far behind with nothing more than the wet stains of first snow.

Or so Chanyeol thought, two years later on a winter night, when he found the same crimson scarf he knitted two years ago shielding the tear-streaked face of a young man, whose sharp grimace forever occupied a special place in Park Chanyeol’s memory.

“…Byun Baekhyun?”


	2. Songs of My Heart

The coffee mug was warm when Chanyeol watched the other press his pink, slender fingers around its cylindrical surface.

“Thank you.” Baekhyun didn’t look up when he muttered those tiny words. His voice was a little shaky and a little hoarse, which seemed to have tugged the most tender part of Park Chanyeol’s heart for the oddest reason he couldn’t quite discover.

The taller merely replied with a silent nod.

Inside the empty café were dimmed lights that long awaited to be switched off. Yet, even as Chanyeol quietly stepped away and flipped the ‘open’ sign to ‘closed’, he couldn’t dare to shut the shop for good. After all, it would only be heartless to ask the other to leave when just a moment ago, the delicate corners of his eyes were painted by nothing but red as small weak trembles bounced off the crown of his head. Had Byun Baekhyun’s frame always been this small? Park Chanyeol couldn’t help but wonder as his eyes landed on the other for the briefest second.

It was as if he could almost completely forget about the Baekhyun from two year ago, who held a dangerous glare sharp enough to leave a scar over Chanyeol’s throat. What happened to him? While the thought occupied the taller male’s mind, he didn’t ask. The distance between them was far too difficult to comprehend. Byun Baekhyun would also hate for Park Chanyeol to meddle in his business, solely because he was… Park Chanyeol. The taller male carefully sat a few seats away from the other.

Shit, Chanyeol suddenly cursed inside his head, as he remembered the unfinished submission model that yet rested over his messy desk.

“I should get going.” As if he heard exactly what passed through the other’s mind, Baekhyun suddenly stood up and picked his backpack and wet scarf. “Thank you.” He gave a tiny bow towards Chanyeol before hurriedly escaping through the glass door.

Fleeting and strange, like the shapes of tiny snowflakes that landed upon the heatless grounds of Seoul. Park Chanyeol didn’t wish to call their meeting as a mischievous antic arranged by the faceless destiny, yet he also refused to believe anything otherwise. Because, why else would he encounter Byun Baekhyun once again, on a winter night when every noise of the world was uniformly buried beneath frozen shadows. Park Chanyeol once believed that he was no fool, yet he could not come with a single answer at this very moment.

So why?

The taller male was still left in a trance when his parents returned from their trip to the grocery store.

“Why are the lights still on?” His mother questioned with folded arms.

“U-um.” Chanyeol frantically cleared his throat. “I will turn them off now.”

He wondered if they would meet again.

~~~

It was one of the warmer winters in Seoul as the gentle sun shone above the flashing green light of the pedestrian crossing. Park Chanyeol’s eyes were aimless when he stepped ahead with long strides that were machine-like and void of sentiments. At the vibration of his phone, Chanyeol paused in his track for a tiny moment.

“What.” He emotionlessly replied, voice occupied by nothing but heavy fatigue.

“Well good morning to you too.” Spoke Sehun across the line. “Where the hell are you?”

“I had to pull an all-nighter to finish my project.” Spoke Chanyeol as he gradually picked up his speed. “I met Byun Baekhyun last night.”

“Huh?”

“I met Byun Baekhyun last night.” Repeated Chanyeol, the volume of his voice grew much louder as if the rest of the world around him fell to a rapid silence. “Sorry.” He sheepishly whispered.

“Oh… Did you say hi?”

“I found him outside the café, so I invited him inside.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“And…?”

“And then he left.”

For a moment that felt awkwardly long, the two of them didn’t speak.

“Well.” Sehun broke off the silence after almost a minute had passed. “I’ll see you on campus.”

“Yeah.”

Park Chanyeol turned off his phone with a sigh. He wasn’t sure why his heart felt immensely bothered, the fact that Byun Baekhyun had entered his life once again, this time with a lot less forcefulness than before. It was no doubt that he was crying last night, Chanyeol thought to himself.

Somehow, the idea of witnessing the other’s tears a second time made him feel incredibly troubled.

Byun Baekhyun. Who really was Byun Baekhyun?

The prideful baseball captain. The person who lived at the orphanage. The boy with neat, short hair, who never once smiled in Chanyeol’s presence. The third year who was absent at his own graduation.

Out of annoyance, Park Chanyeol suddenly tugged at his hair with violent fingers, which captured a few concerned glances. He didn’t want to think about Byun Baekhyun. He really didn’t. But Chanyeol just couldn’t help it.

He just… really wasn’t sure anymore.

~~~

“Hello.”

Park Chanyeol could only wordlessly gaze forward with questioning eyes. As he stood by the café door with a mop in hand, the taller male wasn’t sure how to react. In the end, he merely nodded, his stare over Byun Baekhyun’s reserved features subconsciously growing more intense as each second flew past. The shorter male’s ears were dusted by the lightest shade of blush, Chanyeol noticed, along with dashes of rose-coloured pigment that painted over the tip of his nose and cheeks. Baekhyun was wearing the scarf again, its crimson wool that somehow made the stars in his dark eyes shine brighter than ever. Beautiful, Park Chanyeol couldn’t help but whisper silently to himself. Those stars, they looked beautiful.

Slowly, Baekhyun lifted up his hand from his pocket and held out a few crumpled notes.

“For the coffee yesterday.” He muttered with eyes that slowly drifted towards the floor.

Chanyeol didn’t flinch as he replied, “It was my treat.”

Byun Baekhyun was wearing the same clothes as yesterday, with the same backpack that hung over his damp shoulders. The taller male wondered if it was his favourite outfit.

A frown graced over Baekhyun’s features, whose gaze was strangely void of everything daunting and acute from two years ago as he simply stared at Chanyeol. It was something so ordinarily mundane that the latter couldn’t help but detect a tingling sensation slowly rising inside his chest.

“Really?”

The response was unexpectedly small when it leapt from Baekhyun’s lips. Park Chanyeol wondered if it was merely part of his imagination, yet somehow beneath the dim light of café, the other’s eyes seemed glossier than ever, like crystal orbs that captured a labyrinth of unspoken tales.

He nodded back, an unforeseen smile suddenly occupied his features, a gesture that even took Chanyeol himself by surprise. “Yes.”

A wisp of wind, a strand of raven lock that danced amidst the winter air, a blink of the worn night lights. Perhaps it was everything that casted some sort of magic upon the quiet atmosphere, the sparks of an entrancing spell. Because for a long time, the heated sensation as if everything was about to burst inside Chanyeol’s heart didn’t die down, even after Baekhyun bid a soft goodbye, even after the shorter male had departed from the shadows of the deserted street.

Park Chanyeol believed he needed some time to cool his head.

As he locked the front door of the café with clinks of silver keys, Chanyeol’s eyes were absent. He walked down the street with hands mindlessly stuffed inside warm pockets as the man looked up to the sky and wondered. Had Byun Baekhyun’s presence always been this captivating? So much that Chanyeol felt like a desperate moth, one that fluttered its wings ever so hopelessly to chase after a fragile blaze.

The thought made Park Chanyeol feel somewhat agitated and anxious. He wasn’t supposed to feel this way, particularly about Byun Baekhyun.

\-------

“Please, just one more night. I promise I’ll bring the money by all means tomorrow.” Pleaded Baekhyun whose cold fists trembled with unease.

The owner of the internet café didn’t look convinced as he shook his head. “And how can I be sure of that?” At a loss of patience, he menacingly gazed down at the young man in front of him. He looked as if he was abandoned, like a discarded pet, the older male thought to himself with the slightest bit of amusement. But of course, everyone had it rough these days. The man also had a family to feed.

A flash of desperation wavered within Byun Baekhyun’s eyes as he tightly pressed together his pale lips, and said, “I’ll… I’ll leave my scarf here, and my backpack.” He looked down to the ground. His voice grew much smaller. “It’s all I have.”

With that, his right hand unwillingly unclenched itself and reached inside his pocket, where the crumpled notes that were supposed to be for Park Chanyeol revealed beneath dim night lights once again. Baekhyun hesitantly extended his hand towards the older man.

“…I beg you.” He was close to drop down onto his knees.

A long sigh finally departed from the internet café owner’s lips, who took a long drag of his cigarette before tossing the bud aside. “Look kid, I have been lenient to let you stay in the past two days with so little cash you have. Let’s not cause a scene. A no is a no, and that’s final.” The older man stepped back inside the dark interior of the tiny establishment. Its door slammed close.

For a minute or so, Byun Baekhyun didn’t lift up his head.

He didn’t want to. He didn’t dare to.

For the past twenty-one years, Baekhyun never knew that it was always this easy to shed his tears. After all, he was someone who didn’t even let out the tiniest sob when both of his parents left him standing all by himself.

So why did he feel so much urge to scream and weep right now? Why all at once, everything felt so hopeless, as if the entire world was shutting him away?

Beneath the falling snow, Baekhyun didn’t ponder too much on these questions. He didn’t have the energy to do so, as the young male merely walked ahead into the darkness of the quiet street, a seemingly endless journey without a plausible terminal. It had been hard, the past two years. No one wished to hire a high school graduate, and even if they did, they would eventually find someone better than Byun Baekhyun and cast him aside. As if everyone he had encountered had agreed in unison that the young male wasn’t the strongest, or the smartest, or the fastest, Baekhyun had accepted he was a lost cause.

Yet, he wasn’t willing to give up on the last piece of hope that he had clung onto in the past two years, something he held tenderly dear to his heart since the day Baekhyun was gifted a handmade scarf, crimson and warm. But no matter what, Byun Baekhyun still carried his useless pride, especially in front of that one particular person. He refused to unmask his weaknesses, his worries, his unease. It was one thing to linger about the quiet neighbour on another homeless night, but a whole different kind of humiliation to fall in front of Park Chanyeol. Especially considered how many times it had already occurred.

Baekhyun’s feet finally couldn’t stride on any further. It was an odd place to pause. The junk yard remained lonely as always, revealing a monochromatic universe of everything rejected and left behind. At that thought, Baekhyun lightly chuckled to himself. It was funny how much he fitted into this place, the young male believed as he shrugged off his backpack. He patted away the snow and dust that had piled up over the nearest wooden cupboard and sat over its icy surface.

Byun Baekhyun stared down at his scarf.

He would leave this place one day, he promised himself. When he had enough money. When he was finally capable.

But right now, as the dizziness of his head rose ever so high, enough to bury away every other thought of unease that occupied Baekhyun’s mind, he leaned down to the side, until his upper body rested against the top of the abandoned cupboard with immense discomfort. Everything suddenly felt incredibly cold, more than ever, and Byun Baekhyun was incredibly small. He wished there was a warm cup of coffee, or a fluffy blanket, or a cosy home he could return to without the fear of ever being chased away.

But for now, Byun Baekhyun simply wanted to rest, his cheeks growing redder as each agonising second ticked passed by. Gradually, his eyes fluttered close.

~~~

When his eyes opened again, the first thought that occurred to Baekhyun was if he was still alive. It was an exceptionally odd sight, to stare up at a pristine white ceiling with rays of gentle sunlight escaping through the gaps of beige curtains. Immediately, Baekhyun’s torso bounced up from the soft mattress as the towel on his forehead fell onto the thick blanket. His body felt heavy and hot, with frantic eyes that nervously darted around the empty room until they landed on the black backpack and crimson scarf neatly placed over a chair beside the door. A relieved sigh echoed against the silent walls.

Yet, Byun Baekhyun still couldn’t find himself relax at all. With unsteady legs, he stood up from the bed and walked over to the bright yellow note placed over the top of his folded scarf. The first line was a string of numbers. Out of habit, Baekhyun tightly pressed together his lips with scrunched brows.

_Sorry, I have a full day at university today. This is my phone number. Call me once you wake up._

  * _Park Chanyeol_



For about a million times Byun Baekhyun silently cursed at himself. A hard fist lifted up to the air, only to land a weak, hopeless knock against the side of his throbbing head. Of everyone in this world, it just so happened to be Park Chanyeol who stumbled upon the dejected mess he was last night.

The yellow note forcibly crumpled within Baekhyun’s palm, who picked up his scarf with hard eyes.

Why was it always Park Chanyeol who saw him at his worst?!

Always.

Always.

Always!

Byun Baekhyun clenched his teeth with force as his backpack angrily swung over his shoulder with evident frustration.

He didn’t want to admit that the taller male’s presence never once left his sight in the past two years, the fact that Baekhyun had always casted his eyes somewhat from afar, the crimson of the soft scarf tenderly hugged against his chest. He also didn’t wish to confess that maybe their meeting from few nights ago was anything but coincidence. It seemed Park Chanyeol’s presence forever carried an indescribable warmth with enough gentleness to chase away everything unpleasant and awful. Ever so entranced, Baekhyun inched closer and closer, an unspoken desperation to capture that caressing heat within his trembling hands. Because he simply couldn’t remember the last time when someone extended out a hand for him to hold, the last time someone gifted him something precious without asking for anything in return.

The last time he felt so strangely safe, as if everything was normal, everything was alright.

But Byun Baekhyun didn’t follow the other’s written words. He didn’t call or look back to the room with dejected eyes, as the young male carefully climbed down the stairs to the closed café. Baekhyun knew it would cost his life one day, this stupid dignity he held so preciously dear, like the final row of bullets in a despairing battle. Beneath the broad daylight, Baekhyun suddenly wished he wouldn’t reincarnate at all in the next life, if there existed one, since this it had been already too difficult and lonely in this world.

He needed a job, or just anything that could bring him some money.

Aimlessly, Byun Baekhyun’s silhouette disappeared within the faceless crowd, a sea of nonchalant travellers and uncaring souls.

\-------

He had somewhat expected this.

Yet, even so, Chanyeol still found himself dashing to the café with every ounce of energy he could gather. His breaths were shallow and short when his hand reached for the doorknob to the tiny bedroom on the second floor. Empty and quiet, the blanket was neatly folded at the end of the bed, as if the presence of Byun Baekhyun was never here at all.

For an unknown reason, as he stood beside the door Park Chanyeol suddenly began to laugh at himself. What was he thinking, really? Because it had always been like this, the existence of Byun Baekhyun fluttered ever so fleetingly within Chanyeol’s world that everything around them each chance they met was an endless turbulence of unsaid goodbyes.

But this time, something had changed. Unexplainably, Chanyeol refused for the other to wordlessly disappear from his life again. Perhaps a desperation of sort had transformed into an invisible puppeteer, whose nimble fingers tugged far too many of Chanyeol’s heartstrings at once. Merely at the image of Baekhyun’s feverish figure last time, the thought that the shorter male may have vanished for good was something furiously agonising, the kind of remorse he would never let go of if he didn’t find the other soon enough.

As Chanyeol rushed out onto the street, each frantic step seemed to have abandoned a tiny piece of everything that occurred between them back in high school. Byun Baekhyun’s deadly glares, grimacing scowls and painfully harsh words. His unexplained tears, immediate departures and everything that was left bitter and fragile in the icy wind. It was all pushed to the very edge of the cliff as Park Chanyeol anxiously visited every open shop in the neighbourhood, every shadowed path of the narrow alleys, every turn and every hidden corner.

A desire that couldn’t be described.

A yearning that couldn’t be fulfilled.

Chanyeol only wanted to see that Baekhyun was fine. That the other could still gaze back at him with the same menacing eyes, the same unfriendly expression. The first time they met in the first year of high school, Park Chanyeol chose to believe that the other was someone incredibly strong, like the protagonist of an aspiring tale.

He just couldn’t bear the thought that Baekhyun could be easily defeated by this brittle world.

\-------

That night, the winter air felt unexplainably forgiving to Byun Baekhyun, with the tiniest bit of softness that saw an absence of hostile frost. Perhaps it was because he was able to sleep relatively well last night, despite the unforeseen fever that lasted an embarrassing memory he wouldn’t forget for quite a while.

It was an event that made Baekhyun determined to erase his footpath from Park Chanyeol’s world for good. The unpaid coffee, the warmth of the dim lights, the familiar smile. All of that was more than enough, Baekhyun forced himself to accept. He should be plenty grateful.

With an empty stomach, the young male walked inside the convenience store that rested at the end of the street. He was going to leave this place first thing tomorrow, Baekhyun thought to himself as a careful hand reached for the cheapest cup of instant ramyeon. The so little cash he managed to squeeze out from handing out hundreds of pamphlets was enough to depart from Seoul by bus. Maybe he could even afford a night in another internet café.

The thought left a somewhat bitter taste in Baekhyun’s mouth, whose face was met by a puff of steam as he reopened the instant ramyeon lid. His eyes wondered from the glass shop front, as if searching for something he could never afford to experience. University, an enjoyable job with stable income, a place to live.

And love. Familial love, platonic love.

Romantic love.

They were all far beyond his reach, dreams too mesmerising for him to possibly imagine. Baekhyun tugged his scarf below his chin. For a long time, he didn’t look up, eyes solely focused on the foam cup that witnessed a gradual disappearance of soup and noodles. When a pair of large hands abruptly landed over his shoulders, accompanied by uneven puffs of breaths like the aftermath of an eternal marathon, for a moment Baekhyun felt immensely afraid. His body froze in place, the chopsticks in his right hand slowly fell back into the foam cup with tiny thuds.

“I… finally… found you.”

Into warm orbs of brown, Byun Baekhyun gazed at Park Chanyeol’s eyes with a mixture of emotions that washed over his heart like the destruction of a violent storm. Neither of them trembled by the slightest. Neither of them dared to look away.

Despite the shapeless stature of his next few words, Baekhyun already found himself opening his lips.

“I-”

“Our café is hiring a new staff.” Chanyeol suddenly blurted. “…It’s quite urgent.”

Baekhyun didn’t know how to reply, or if he should reply at all. Shock yet occupied his startled eyes that glued themselves on Chanyeol since the moment the shorter male turned around. It seemed, the world around the two had simply melted away.

“Accommodation and meals are included.” The other continued. He cleared his throat. “But it comes out of your wage.”

Byun Baekhyun needed time to think. He needed to think carefully, exceptionally so, because everything in his plan would vanish into shambles of defeat if he were to give so little as a hesitant nod. There were questions, countless of them that rang like alarm bells inside his head. How did Chanyeol find him? Why did he come to find him? Why on earth was he saying all of this? Just who were they to each other, really?

Yet, a tiny whisper still managed to slip away from Baekhyun’s gaping mouth. One that sounded a lot like a heartfelt answer to a silent confession.

“Okay.”

Perhaps it was out of gratitude, or everything else that caused his heart to pound ever so deafeningly, crazily, as if on the verge of insanity. Or perhaps Chanyeol’s presence had torn far beyond Baekhyun’s prideful façade that all was left was naked honesty, the truthful voice of his frantic heart. After all, he was no assemblage of logics and fragments of steel.

Byun Baekhyun was very much human, a particularly mundane one.

“Okay.” The taller male quietly repeated after him. “Okay.”

Suddenly incredibly troubled, Baekhyun prayed the heavens above weren’t making a fool of him. He desperately hoped that he won’t find himself back at the junk yard in the next few seconds, stirred awake from an awfully realistic dream. After all, that would be too horribly cruel. And right now, Baekhyun was afraid that his small, fragile heart could not possibly bear anything more.

\-------

Fuck.

It was a word that Park Chanyeol silently whispered inside his head as his eyes met Baekhyun’s pair across the café for the hundredth time that day. He didn’t mean to fix his gaze over the other’s figure with so much eagerness and consistency, yet Chanyeol just couldn’t help it. He couldn’t afford to look away.

Awkwardly, a tiny curve formed over Baekhyun’s tightly pressed lips. Perhaps it was a sign of irritation, or maybe, just maybe, the shorter male unsuccessfully attempted to form a rigid smile. Of course, Chanyeol could only pray for the latter in the ethereal realm of his dreams. He turned back to the sink and placed down the final cup on the drying rack. A small, almost non-existent sigh departed from the taller male’s lips.

It had been a few weeks since Baekhyun began working at the café. For sure, the abrupt routine was anything but smooth. But they were getting there, Chanyeol believed each early morning as he would turn on the espresso machine and hand the other two empty cups. With tiny footprints that gradually witnessed a steady pattern, Baekhyun tried his best to take in everything taught by the other through countless practice. His mochas and cappuccinos still tasted a little funny, his milk foam never quite reached the right consistency and his time at the cash register was always accompanied by frantic apologies. But for reasons he couldn’t particularly put his thoughts to, Park Chanyeol was happy. He felt contented and relieved, as if everything was headed towards the right track despite the shapeless destination he couldn’t quite picture.

But the present was well, and Chanyeol supposed that was what mattered the most. To himself at least.

It seemed Byun Baekhyun had also transformed from a ferocious beast to a timid kitten, ever so cautious and on guard as his presence weaved about the mellow café. During the times when Park Chanyeol was absent, he couldn’t help but stare blankly out the window. What on earth was going on? Baekhyun wondered to himself with a heart of unease. For the oddest reason, he couldn’t bring himself to meet the taller male’s eyes ever since that night when everything between them had promptly shifted, as if the clear pane of glass that separated their worlds merely shattered into tiny stars that twinkled ever so dear. Tenderly, delicately. Something Byun Baekhyun felt was wrong for someone like him to treasure.

He tried to draw a distance.

Park Chanyeol probably just found him terribly pitiful, Baekhyun wished to believe. Because it was something he couldn’t even deny himself, despite his esteem and pride. The truth was, Byun Baekhyun simply couldn’t form another reason for the other’s unforeseen acts and words that managed to touch the softest part of his thudding heart. Baekhyun also couldn’t control it, those frantic beats that only grew louder and louder each chance the taller male approached closer and closer.

He didn’t like this feeling, particularly towards Chanyeol.

Yet, it also wasn’t anything new to Byun Baekhyun.

Since that day, as he walked home beneath the falling snow with the gentle caress of a crimson scarf around his neck, his baseball gears and schoolbooks inside the paper bag that hung off his numb right hand, this tingling sensation had never once left Baekhyun’s chest. Like a tiny blossom of red amidst a sea of thorny vines, a weightless white feather that landed upon the dust ground of the grey junk yard.

Perhaps, for the last two years at least, Byun Baekhyun had always been a little in love.

Whether he realised or not, the smile of Park Chanyeol had already taken a special place in his memory, his thoughts, his heartbeats. The gleams that began to witness the gradual growth of an entire galaxy, dazzling enough to chase away every corner of daunting darkness.

~~~

On a relatively sunny day when Baekhyun found himself sweeping away the coffee grind that he had accidentally spilt onto the tiled floor, Chanyeol’s parents entered the café with shuffled footsteps. Their voices were quiet, gingerly bouncing off the still walls that were lit by sparks of sunlight. It was something Baekhyun didn’t mean to hear, but the café was far too vacant for their conversation to trail off into thin air.

With hands that paused mid-air, Baekhyun could no longer find the courage to stand back up.

“What on earth was that boy thinking? To hire a new staff when he knows we won’t be able to afford the rent after this month.” It was the voice of Chanyeol’s mother.

“Who knows, maybe to spend more time slacking off with his friends.” Chanyeol’s father nonchalantly replied. “It’s coming out of his own wage anyway.”

Baekhyun’s chest achingly squeezed at his words. Everything suddenly felt incredibly suffocating, like he was back at the orphanage on the night when Byun Baekhyun lost the second place he once called ‘home’. Helplessness, that familiar feeling was back, chasing after his escaping silhouette with its greedy, blood-dripping jaw.

What would Baekhyun do if it was Park Chanyeol who threw him away this time?

Would… would he be ever able to stand upright again?

Ahead seemed to be occupied by nothing but black, and Baekhyun was simply too much of a coward to picture anything otherwise. He wanted to stay. He almost believed that his world found a new light. But his presence here was also troublesome, unneeded, a drop of black that muddled a pristine glass of water. Baekhyun realised that maybe time had been running out since the moment Chanyeol brought him back here. It felt incredibly melancholic, like fine sand escaping through the gaps of his extended fingers. He needed to prepare himself for that moment when everything collapsed for good.

It was clear that his shabby presence would never fit into the other’s life. They were just far too different.

He needed to face a world without Park Chanyeol, no matter how miserable it may be.

\-------

Chanyeol didn’t know what he was thinking when he convinced Sehun to give him the other free aquarium ticket in exchange for a lifetime of free coffees, as if the other didn’t already leech off him enough. With both tickets safely tugged inside the space of his wallet, the university student found himself pacing back and forth in a deserted alley. It had become a tricky question, just how in the world was he supposed to give one ticket to Baekhyun without the other flinching away in suspicion and fright? Because Park Chanyeol was no fool to notice that the other had been increasingly on guard around him, as if the son of the café owners forever hid a ticking bomb inside his pocket.

But in the end, Chanyeol merely convinced himself that he was the one who was paranoid. After all, there were far too many loose ends between them that were left untouched, like wilting pot plants abandoned on an icy veranda, waiting for a spring they would never witness. Perhaps the aquarium could become a good chance for them to talk, properly, about anything really. To move away from fragments of the past. To fix the broken bits that were left splintered and sharp. To figure things out, together.

Finally determined enough to step back onto the open street, Chanyeol gave a small nod to himself. Maybe since a long time ago, there had already been a place in his universe that waited for Baekhyun’s arrival. Why he never once faltered beneath the other’s wild flames and why his patience endured for so long, the fact that Byun Baekhyun’s presence had shift far beyond a mere, amusing intrigue was something unquestionable. Chanyeol couldn’t yet find a word to capture the other’s scarce smiles and brief laughs, but it was everything he wanted to affectionately cherish. Only to himself.

Perhaps, subconsciously, Baekhyun made Chanyeol a lot more selfish than he ever thought he would become. The decisions he made on a whim and the responsibilities he didn’t think twice to take. His world could no longer be the same.

With slow steps, Chanyeol approached the door to the café. From where he stood, everything inside was in clear view. A boy and his gentle flower; Baekhyun’s fingers were careful and light as they caressed the petals of a blooming daffodil from the flower vase. That was right, spring was near. The other’s eyes were downcast, curved lashes that drew beautiful lines against his pale skin. His hair was also trimmed short again, just like the boy from Chanyeol’s memory who wore his baseball jacket like a shining armour of everything dignified and fearless. At once, the taller male smiled to himself. He pushed open the door.

The small jingles of bells were striking, as if awakened Baekhyun from a hazy dream. He immediately stood up and look to the door. His eye met with Chanyeol, whose warm expression managed to stir a tiny ripple inside his heart. As tender nervousness was soon washed over by lingering drops of despair and fear, Baekhyun forced himself to walk away.

Chanyeol followed right behind him when he uttered, “You may have a day-off this Saturday.”

Surprised, Baekhyun turned around. Confusion soon occupied his features. “What do you mean?” He questioned.

With a grin that resembled the gentle spring sun, the taller of the two took out the tickets from his wallet. Perhaps his nervousness had immediately vanished beneath the warmth of the sunny afternoon, inside the place where an unspoken fondness had grown into blooming buds. Or maybe, Byun Baekhyun was never all that unapproachable in the first place, Chanyeol thought to himself, a silent voice accompanied by the joyous beats of his heart.

It seemed the other had rather froze in place, his hesitant eyes that repeatedly darted between the tickets and Chanyeol. Baekhyun’s hand didn’t reach forward, nor did his lips tremble by the slightest. For a moment the taller male began to bury his thoughts beneath incredible doubt, if this was really a good decision after all. But he also knew that he could no longer take back his words, golden sparks that had already disappeared into thin air.

At last, Baekhyun gave a small nod, before stepping away for good. As his backside collided against the locked door of the staff bathroom, he couldn’t help but support his shaky arms over his knees, his arched torso unbearably heavy as if every burden in the world had found a space to reside within his heart. Byun Baekhyun knew he would come to regret this, everything that was going to occur this Saturday. And yet, the tiniest voice inside his head also whispered otherwise, the one hidden beneath the shadows of cold reality. Just this once, Baekhyun thought to himself.

Just this once, he wanted to be selfish.


	3. Tiny Universe

Park Chanyeol wasn’t sure when it started. Perhaps it was since the first time he witnessed the other’s brazen act beneath the dim afternoon sun. Or maybe, it had been something that just always existed by the shorter male’s pronounced presence, crystal pale and sharp-edged. Because for a reason Chanyeol couldn’t quite explain, the existence of Byun Baekhyun felt similar to a tragic protagonist, whose tender tale fluttered from chapter to chapter. Hastily, delicately, mysteriously. It wasn’t until the taller male began to witness his own presence that finally drew careful steps over crinkled pages, when an unforeseen realisation suddenly dawned upon Park Chanyeol.

Just, why in the world was he so entranced by Byun Baekhyun, ever so cautious yet desirous, as if shielding a ball of snow within red, frosty palms.

Just how far was he willing to go for Byun Baekhyun?

Chanyeol wasn’t sure if there was a last time when he yearned so dearly. For the entirety of twenty-one years that the taller male existed in this world, he had lived a good life. One that was tender and full of warmth. One that saw few worries and concerns. He was fortunate, immensely so.

Park Chanyeol knew it wasn’t the same case for Baekhyun.

At first, there was curiosity, and the faintest bit of admiration. Then followed a will to fathom a thorny puzzle. Finally, there was empathy accompanied by soft brown eyes, tiny flakes of pity that floated within them like falling snow.

Pleadingly, Chanyeol wished to grasp the truth of his feelings for Baekhyun, as he walked towards the other who stood by the entrance of the aquarium. The taller male couldn’t help to smile. He had looked forward to this day, eagerly, incredibly. As if an unforeseen surge of adrenaline occupied Chanyeol’s entire being, there was a sudden desire to hold onto Baekhyun’s pale left hand.

He forcibly chased away the thought. His footsteps also paused in place.

Park Chanyeol extended out the entry wristband towards the other.

It was a quiet moment when Baekhyun’s fingers visibly clenched beneath the woollen material of his sleeve. The truth was, ever since he stepped away from the tiny room above the café that sunny morning, an indescribable feeling that long bloomed within the shorter male’s heart. A heavy sensation of unease and a throbbing heart that pounded longingly. He wasn’t sure where to look. At least, not at the person in front of him, not at his gentle smile, not at his warm, cosmic-like eyes.

Chanyeol wished he didn’t notice, but Baekhyun’s hand was hesitant when he grasped the wristband at last. As the other took hastily steps inside the dark interior of the aquarium, the taller male merely gazed with still eyes at that lonely backside basked beneath the dim lights. A kind of melancholy that was void of colours suddenly painted over his tight chest, something like the last sunset before an eternal goodbye.

He knew he was just thinking too much.

Baekhyun finally turned back with questioning eyes. With careful steps, he stood back in front of Chanyeol.

“What’s wrong?” In a quiet voice, the shorter male asked.

“N-nothing.” The other couldn’t help but stutter, suddenly a little bashful and flustered.

A visible concerned brushed over Baekhyun’s expression. “Are you… feeling alright?”

Was he worried about him? Chanyeol wondered. He gave a quick nod.

The shorter male seemed to have whispered a tiny “oh” to himself, before turning his back to the other for the second time that day. It seemed a sigh had escaped from his lips, Chanyeol believed as he watched the other’s torso rise by the tiniest bit, then pressed back down. Abruptly, a cold hand wrapped around Park Chanyeol’s wrist as the taller male felt himself being pulled through the crowd.

Dazzles of blue and green, grinning faces and dotted floor; everything flew past them like swift sceneries of a noiseless movie. Between quick, clumsy footsteps and the frantic chant of his heart, Chanyeol managed to catch a small whisper that escape from Baekhyun’s lips.

“You were in people’s way.”

Like a fool, the taller male grinned, as if he had witnessed the most incredible sight on the edge of the earth. The countless water tanks that surrounded them casted an aquatic glow over Byun Baekhyun’s raven hair. Chanyeol also managed to catch a sight of blooming red that washed over the other’s ears and neck.

Despite the dark crowded space, his eyes twinkled ever so bright.

A pair of priceless jewels that Baekhyun found himself too embarrassed and scared to stare back at.

Ahead he marched, the destination nothing but the silhouette of grey morning fog that seemed to have drawn a curtain over Baekhyun’s vacant eyes. His hand never once left the other’s wrist, just as his footsteps never once halted or stopped. Baekhyun had long lost count of time, if time really mattered at all. For once, he really didn’t think all that much. He didn’t know what to do.

“Baekhyun.”

It was all it took, a quiet name that bounced off Park Chanyeol’s lips that tugged down the other’s soles. A small string of laughter followed.

“I’m tired.” The taller male gently whispered at the end.

The hand around his wrist dramatically pulled away like the aftermath of a terrible sting. Chanyeol suddenly wished to swallow back his words.

Baekhyun sheepishly bowed his head. “Sorry.”

Before the colossal jellyfish tank, they stood, wordlessly and too painfully still. It was almost unbearable, the way their hearts pounded so violently within their chests. Yet the other person couldn’t hear at all, not a single stolen beat. At last, it was Byun Baekhyun who spoke first. His unforeseen words were fare too unlike the prideful baseball captain from the past.

“I’ve never had the chance to say this to you properly.” He murmured; side profile perfectly hidden beneath sprinkles of shadow. “I’m incredibly grateful for everything you have done, truthfully. Thank you.”

The back of Park Chanyeol’s throat abruptly trembled, which made it hard to speak. With dry gaping lips, he didn’t even dare to blink. What… did he just hear?

“Thank you, Chanyeol. And I’m sorry for everything I’ve done, from the past to now. I’m sorry for burdening you all this time without uttering a word. I’m sorry for my… for my stupid pride.”

As if shapeless arms where dragging him down with every invisible force, the taller male found himself unable to climb out of this feverish dream. With dark eyes that screamed a thousand heartfelt words he could not possibly utter to the other at this very moment, Chanyeol turned to face Baekhyun. Yet, the shorter male decided to keep his eyes away.

It was always like this, always.

Park Chanyeol suddenly felt indescribably angry, bubbling rage that rose to the edge of his lips and merely melted away, like the wetness of winter frost.

But if the lights were any brighter, the taller male would’ve witnessed the wounded expression that saw cracks beneath Baekhyun’s unmoving façade, who wished it wasn’t this difficult to finish his shaky words. Who forcibly clenched his fists with every bit of energy he had, those deserted fragments of suppressed desperation.

“I know my actions and words were nothing but horrible back in high school, and I don’t ask for you to forgive me. But I truly mean it when I say that I regret everything I have done back then. The unjust prejudice I held and the way I stirred the crowd to join me, everything. You are a good person Chanyeol, perhaps one too good to be true. You didn’t deserve any of it. I’m… so sorry.”

_And thank you, for becoming a light that I never dared to ask, yet will now protect with everything I have, even my last hanging breath._

_I won’t ever be thankful enough._

_Thank you._

_I love you._

He didn’t say those words.

Buried under piles of snow, it was the final bit of dignity Byun Baekhyun held incredibly dear, tugged by strings of agony and sorrow. He knew that day was drawing close, the day he would bid goodbye to his tender light.

But at least he apologised. At least he expressed his gratitude.

Maybe, that was enough.

Baekhyun knew it would be too hard for him from escape from this place, since he was nothing but a fool when it came to navigation. So, with anxious eyes squeezed shut, an excruciatingly buzzing mind unable to imagine the other’s reply, he waited.

It never arrived.

\-------

“We are moving out in a week.”

His father’s voice was oddly calm inside Park Chanyeol’s head as he dashed across the pedestrian crossing with uneven breaths. He didn’t know what rushed through his frantic mind a moment ago, when the long phone call finally ended with a dramatic drop of his occupied hand. Then in the next seconds, his other hand had grasped around Baekhyun’s wrist, as if their roles had silently switched.

A mess. His heart was nothing but a mess.

As they dashed through the crowded streets with nothing but the white noises of the world that engulfed their shadows beneath a faint haze, Park Chanyeol’s thoughts were strangely empty. It was as if Baekhyun’s heavy words had merely fallen into the fluttering wings of a million butterflies, ones that flew ever so eagerly away towards an island of smoke. Maybe Chanyeol should have uttered something before he ended their short aquarium outing with speedily anxious footsteps. Or perhaps, it was just another one of fate’s mischievous antics, which drew every pounding, perplex beat between the two to a sudden pause. But whichever was the correct answer, the taller male simply had no mind or time to care.

Naively, he only wished for the story to move a little faster, to arrive at a chapter that didn’t seem so hopeless and sad. There was a kind of rage that wasn’t defined, yet still managed to burn an aching hole through Chanyeol’s chest.

Please, make it stop, he pleaded.

Two sets of footsteps at last halted before the tiny café, where the sparks of sunlight had vanished since that breezy morning. Baekhyun hadn’t spoken a single word. Yet, the place where his eyes lingered had long shifted from the pebbled ground. He also could no longer hide it, those dark orbs that reflected a world of terrible regret. Because the truth was, the tiniest chunk of Baekhyun’s heart wished he could take back his words. He wished for the world between them to pause at this place, this time, this moment. He didn’t mind being trapped if it meant that person was right beside him.

Byun Baekhyun never knew one could fall so deeply, even right now, as he watched Chanyeol from behind, his thin wrist tightly surrounded by the other’s long, warm fingers.

It seemed; they ran out of excuses to stay by each other’s side.

And why should they in the first place? When just a few weeks ago, Byun Baekhyun was just a childish bully and Park Chanyeol was nothing but a kind fool. Why in the world must they cling so painstaking tight onto one another, as if the other person was the only star that shone within a galaxy of pitch darkness? Why must they try so hard to steal heart-aching glances at the other person only when they weren’t looking?

Why couldn’t they just muster their courage and… love?

Neither of them knew.

Because if there was one commonality that Byun Baekhyun and Park Chanyeol miraculously shared, it would be their unwavering stubbornness. An unbreakable persistence for a reason that hardly existed.

The taller male’s fingers slowly unclenched around the other’s wrist. His hand soon dropped beside him, stiffly.

Their movements were hazy and slow as the two entered through the glass door one after the other.

Their eyes were met with the sight of Chanyeol’s parents, who had already begun to take out flattened card boxes from the storage room.

They didn’t dare to look at the other again.

Silently, they cursed, and wished they were just a little braver.

~~~

But of course, Park Chanyeol would never forget. As if everything that Byun Baekhyun said to him in the aquarium carried a kind of spell that couldn’t be erased, his heart could no longer rest at ease. Was it alright for him to feel almost hopeful? Like nothing in the world could cover his sight at the lonely silhouette of a shorter boy, whose baseball captain badge shone ever so bright beneath the blinding sun.

Chanyeol wished he could turn back in time. He wished he didn’t feel so unexplainably afraid.

For almost a week, they hadn’t seen each other. At least, not since the time Baekhyun entered the tiny room on the second storey of the café with quiet footsteps and hidden eyes. Something was on his mind, Chanyeol knew. Yet, the other’s heart seemed to have remained an unsolved puzzle, masked by a thousand facades that took the taller male a great deal of strength to break through even just one.

Park Chanyeol was patient.

He waited, each day at different times, beside the espresso machine that began to witness only a single shadow. The taller male had lost count of how many times he paced back and forth at the bottom of the stairs that led to the room upstairs. Should he knock? Would Baekhyun open the door for him?

How did the other feel, when he heard about the closing of the café?

Was that it? The reason why it strangely felt like Byun Baekhyun was avoiding Park Chanyeol at all cost. Chanyeol also knew he would never have the heart to force an answer from the shorter male. In endless circles they travelled, almost gliding into each other at the most intimate seconds. But, if a fairy tale never began, how could it possibly end?

Park Chanyeol’s hand finally grasped around the cold doorknob.

Rigidly, he pushed the door open.

It was a sight that Chanyeol somewhat anticipated, just like weeks ago when he first brought Baekhyun here on that heatless winter night. What welcomed the taller male was nothing but a soundless room, with neatly folded blanket and an empty bed. He should have known that Baekhyun wouldn’t have hid here for all those days, yet Chanyeol’s heart still couldn’t help but drop painfully loud onto the ragged ground. It was a throbbing sensation that made his breaths a little shallow.

He stared stilly at the white envelop beside the pillow.

Chanyeol felt incredibly scared to walk any closer. But he did, nonetheless.

He took the envelope into his hands.

Inside its occupied pocket was nothing but cash, enough to make up more than a month’s worth of pay for a casual café staff. At once, Park Chanyeol sank to the ground. His back arched against the mattress as he laughed loudly, like choked sobs that had fallen into the palm of his hands.

What a fool.

It was for no one in particular. Or perhaps, it was for everyone at once,

_What a fool._


	4. My Love

On the night that Byun Baekhyun departed from the lightless café, a time when the entire city of Seoul seemed to have paused motionlessly like the corner of a monochromatic painting, he wondered if this was the right choice after all. But what really was right and wrong? What in the world could possibly remain black and white? In the end, perhaps everything was merely an excuse, facades masked by the fragile word of self-defence.

To feel afraid. To become hesitant. To be human. None of it was out of the ordinary.

Baekhyun turned back towards the glass windows that shielded a world of tenderness. There was no mistake to it, the fact that he was being childish and unreasonable. To think he hadn’t even left a space for Chanyeol to explain his choice, for them to talk just a bit more, for a fairy tale-like moment to occur between them as if this wasn’t the cold, bleak reality. He should have left a word, or two, or enough to occupy the pages of a heartfelt letter. Something. Anything.

But Byun Baekhyun didn’t. He wasn’t sure if this was anything intentional, to forever imprint his footsteps as the wicked villain in Park Chanyeol’s story. Because for more than anything in the world, he only wished for the other to forget. After all, there had hardly been moments between them that were wonderful and joyous, memories valuable enough to last a lifetime.

And deep down, in the most selfish part of Baekhyun’s heart, he simply hoped Chanyeol would only be basked beneath everything warm and delightful. No agony and sorrow, no throbbing heart and awful regrets. Just dazzling eyes and an infectious grin, enough to cast a gentle light over the moon and the stars. An ill-fated presence like Byun Baekhyun had no place. He would only make things worse. All this time, Baekhyun had resisted these thoughts, he truly tried. But how could a person not ever wonder if everything that took place in their life wasn’t a tiniest bit of their own fault? From his birth, to the separation of his parents, to the orphanage, to high school, just when did things began to shift towards a dead end? If he was just a tiny bit nicer, with better manners and a lot less pride. If Byun Baekhyun was much more capable and smarter, and knew how to please to others, would his life have looked different from the very beginning?

In silence, Baekhyun laughed at himself. Maybe the only thing he knew best was finding excuses. With a bitter scrunch of his nose, his dark silhouette travelled down the long street, heavy thoughts accompanied by nothing but quiet buzzes of the dim streetlamps. Byun Baekhyun was back on square one again.

And it was okay. Because this time, he had enough time to prepare his heart.

If that could ever be enough to chase away the dampness at the corner of his eyes, tears that radiated lonely gleams within this star-less night.

\-------

Park Chanyeol chose to remain still this time.

Of course, his heart never ceased from aching, the same as his smile that refused to shine its appearance with the same amount of frequency as before. But it was Baekhyun’s turn now. To continue running away, or chose a different path, Chanyeol couldn’t force the other’s choice. He had no clue if they would see each other ever again, just like two years ago at the high school graduation when something felt like was oddly missing.

Before love, before any strings of attachment, before the words of “forever yours”, there had to be something firmer and more enduring. It wasn’t something that Park Chanyeol could help Byun Baekhyun to find, if the other felt hesitant to search for it himself.

“Your own happiness, Baekhyun. Have you ever thought about it?”

Those were words yet to escape from Chanyeol’s lips before the shorter male soundlessly disappeared from his world a third chance this lifetime. Could it be, that Chanyeol’s presence was just too much to handle, enough to chase Baekhyun away every time they encountered? The taller male couldn’t help to doubt.

He tightly clenched his fists.

Neither of them had a lot. Neither of them could afford to cling onto this fragile string of pleading hesitance for the entirety of their existences. Something needed to change.

Just like he did before, Park Chanyeol moved on with his life. It sure wasn’t easy studying architecture, let along almost working full-time at his parents’ café. Perhaps this could be considered a break from all the distractions in the world, Chanyeol thought to himself as he walked through the university gates beneath the gentle spring sun. It was time to focus, to get back on track, to ponder about the future. Yet, during the darkest hour of the night, his heart just couldn’t help to clench achingly, ever so silently, like the sudden chaos of an unforeseen storm.

His parents had prepared to move back to the countryside a long time ago, which meant Chanyeol needed to get used to this, the kind of loneliness as one stood in the middle of the lightless living room, unmoving and thoughtless. At once, he began to rub his eyes with an unnecessary force of anger as if Park Chanyeol had the entire world to blame. But what for?

He wondered why on earth was life was so fucking unfair. What on earth did Byun Baekhyun do to deserve everything that occurred? Would it be still possible to fix everything at once? Where could he possibly find Baekhyun if he had the chance?

Was… was there really anything that love can do?

\-------

_[Three months later]_

The day was warm, one that oddly stirred a wild thought to Baekhyun as he packed his bag and departed from the construction site. He wanted to drink alone.

For one, Byun Baekhyun still hadn’t left this city, to be beneath the same sky that saw all his growth, his pain and rare grins. There was something invisibly strong that tugged him down, the young male thought as he weaved through the dotted streets. To travel in the opposite direct against the gushing crowd during rush hours had become something Baekhyun grew accustomed to. Nothing was ever a big deal once one got used to it, he thought to himself.

Byun Baekhyun believed he was fortunate to encounter a teammate from high school, one who was in the grade below his own, who was friendly enough to invite the other for a meal. For once, Baekhyun finally shrugged off his splintered mask. That night, the fourth night he began to sleep in the cheapest study room Seoul had to offer, Byun Baekhyun spoke truthfully about himself. To someone who had almost became a stranger in his life, he revealed about his jobless stature and sincerely pleaded the other, if he knew about any places that were hiring. He was willing to do anything. To begin from scratch, to start living. Because for so little confidence Baekhyun had, a part of him just refused to bow down. He desperately sought after it, the kind of redemption that could prove to the world that Byun Baekhyun wasn’t ready to be this easily defeated, that Byun Baekhyun still had a lot to offer.

Little by little, whether he truly realised or not, things had begun to change.

Time also happened to slip by ever so smoothly, like chiming seagulls that effortlessly glided against the moving currents.

With footsteps that remained almost presence-less amidst the city alley that dazzled beneath buzzing lights, Baekhyun couldn’t help to think of what Chanyeol might be doing at this moment. Would the other have finished his classes? Would he be working part-time somewhere else? Would he be smiling alongside his friends, basked within nothing but comfort and ease?

Slowly, Baekhyun’s head sunk low as he sighed to himself with a tiny, odd curve of his lips. He paused in his track and entered the smallest bistro at the end of the street.

Beneath the hazy orange light, the crystal shot glass gleamed like the rarest gem on earth. Almost to the smooth rim, clear liquor trickled inside which followed along the soft jams of indie rock. The tune felt a little out of place, within this shabby little restaurant that could barely keep itself open amidst the loud symphony of Seoul. Baekhyun noticed the ancient cracks on the nearest wall. Surprisingly enough, this tiny place was yet intact despite every other shop down the street that had changed their signs and exteriors, once at least.

The first time Byun Baekhyun sat here inside the dim-lit bistro was the night when he left the orphanage for good. The second time was a just a few months ago, when he met Park Chanyeol again.

Glimpses from that night revealed themselves like the projection from a roll of fractured film, stained by nothing but blemishes of humiliation that grew over its grey surface. That day, Baekhyun wondered if he should just end it all. It was a brief thought; one he knew he would never have the guts to actually obey. Yet, as Byun Baekhyun sat inside the heated bistro with nothing but a bottle of soju placed over the small table, he could hardly feel the least bit of warmth. He was fired again, except this time, the manager was repulsive enough to make a fool out of Baekhyun to teach the others a lesson for neglecting the rules. His background, his ‘family’, his wordlessness and manners.

Everything was mindless tossed over the filthy floor and trampled over by remorseless ego. All that was missing was an actual punch to Baekhyun’s stomach. Someone useless like him should be thankful to have entered that place at all. It was the final message he gathered as he forcibly departed.

But, what did he do wrong?

Just because Byun Baekhyun was the easiest target out of them all, just because he didn’t know a lot, juts because his clumsiness was nothing but an eyesore, just because…

It still hurt, like fucking hell.

That night, Baekhyun decided to take a gamble. The last bit of sanity he held for this world was clutched to his chest, scarlet yarn that soaked up his fallen tears as the young male dashed almost blindly from one street to another. Please God, he silently pleaded. Please let that other person be there.

Please let him be kind, like he always was.

Please let him treat Byun Baekhyun with the slightest bit of care, just like he did with everyone else.

Please, just a tiny bit of warmth. Just a tiny bit was enough.

Baekhyun admitted that he was incredibly selfish. And he still was, even right now.

The soju bottle was still half full when he departed from the bistro. Yet, Byun Baekhyun already felt drunk enough to act purely based on instincts alone. With all his might and the last bit of courage that loosely swung behind wind-tussled hair, Baekhyun suddenly had the unexplainable urge to scream his lungs out. From one end of a street to the other, followed by a repetition of a couple more, there was a gradual decrease in the number of people that occupied them, as if little by little, the world of gleaming lights and pleasant chatters had magically vanished. When Baekhyun finally arrived inside the noiseless room he managed to rent about two months ago, he didn’t linger for long. Firm fingers clutched onto the handle of a large paper bag, one that looked oddly similar to the one he received two years ago, the last day he ever stepped foot inside his high school.

The front door clicked close, as if a long chapter had at last saw its finish line. Fluttering ever so mesmerisingly, the pages began to flip, one by one, accompanied by the rhymical chant of a nervously pounding heart.

Byun Baekhyun stopped before the café with uneven breaths.

Although, the cosy shop was no longer a café. Its English sign had changed, not that he ever understood its hidden message which Chanyeol never once managed to conceal his stupid giggles from. A flower shop within this small neighbourhood, a place that left nothing but bittersweet memories for Baekhyun. Perhaps it was a nice change, he tried to convince himself as he carefully stepped through the narrow, almost unnoticed gap on the side of shop. He had seen Chanyeol travel back and forth through this secret passage far too many times to remain oblivious. Soon enough, Byun Baekhyun found himself in front of a short gate that blocked his entry into a small courtyard.

With an obnoxious creak that sounded far too deafening amidst the silent night, he travelled further, and further.

Byun Baekhyun squeezed shut his eyes, but it didn’t work. His heart just couldn’t calm itself.

Anxiously, his index finger found its place over the doorbell.

Baekhyun wondered what kind of expression he should carry. Nonchalant blankness? A guiltless smile as if he never escaped from the unsolved mess that he mindless left behind? Or, should it be his usual rigid frown? Like the entire world was his enemy.

Byun Baekhyun emptily stared down. His curved fingers around the bag handle began to lose their tight grip, one by one. He started to doubt again.

Maybe he shouldn’t have come. Maybe this was a bad decision after all.

Because the truth was, it wasn’t the first time that Baekhyun had done this.

In the actual first time, he barely made it out of his room, before the man stepped back inside with sunken shoulders and a heavy, hesitant heart. The second time saw a tiny bit of improvement, when Baekhyun found himself pause in the middle of the streets with lost eyes and dry, gaping lips.

So really, he had come a long way.

But what if Park Chanyeol didn’t live here anymore? What if his entire family moved to another district? How was he so confident that the other would remain at the exact same place, as if waiting for him to come? Clearly, Byun Baekhyun didn’t think this through at all.

Yet, just as tiny squeaks bounced off the wooden porch where his feet dejectedly shifted, ever so slightly, footsteps suddenly emerged from behind.

Baekhyun never believed in any fairy tales. But beneath the twinkling stars of spring and the lovely scent of blooming plum blossoms, he just couldn’t help to indulge in this wonderful dream. Just a little bit longer, Byun Baekhyun pleaded.

“Why… What brings you here?”

The shorter male could detect a hint of anger from the other’s voice. He didn’t blame him. To barge into someone else’s estate like this, he would be angry too. But it had been long since Baekhyun last heard that low, soothing voice. He missed it, incredibly so.

He truly missed having Chanyeol in his world. And Byun Baekhyun wasn’t sure if he could still manage to live without that tender warmth he cherished with all his heart, having encountered the other at last beneath the gentle moon. He turned around and walked slowly, until he stood in front of the him.

All that remained was the short, rusty gate that separated the two.

With everything he had, Baekhyun tugged it open.

Followed within the next second, the paper bag was thrusted to Chanyeol’s chest and the taller male managed to catch it with large, bewildered eyes. It seemed he couldn’t find the right words to speak at that odd moment, so Park Chanyeol questioningly looked inside. Soon enough, he took out a hand-knit scarlet scarf, just like the one he gave Baekhyun before the high school graduation. Except, this one looked much more awkward, with tiny holes and loose loops that dotted here and there.

Chanyeol silently gazed at the other as he waited for an answer, or just anything close enough to an explanation.

A word, a glance, a spiteful chuckle.

He just needed something to prove that this was real, that he wasn’t dreaming.

Why did Byun Baekhyun painstakingly knit this scarf despite his hopelessly clumsy hands? To be completely honest, he couldn’t quite answer. Perhaps it was a way to prove that he owed the other nothing else, or maybe, it was just an excuse to see him again. Baekhyun didn’t try to convince himself one way or the other.

He stared into Chanyeol’s eyes.

“How have you been?” The shorter male smiled as his eyes softened.

Park Chanyeol suddenly forgot how to breathe.

“I know it sure doesn’t look as great as the one you knitted, but I really tried my best.” Baekhyun’s eyes lingered for a brief second over the scarlet scarf within the other’s hand. He tried to grin as best as he could. “But please don’t throw it away, because that will make me really sad-”

“Why?”

“H-huh?” Surprised, Baekhyun blinked at the taller male who had suddenly cut him off.

“Why will that make you sad?” Chanyeol spoke again.

Out of habit, the other looked down. He no longer had the courage to lift his head up high. “I…” He whispered. “I don’t know.”

“Of course you do.” Uttered Park Chanyeol. “Or else, you would’ve never made this. You would’ve never come here as if you have been invited in the first place.”

“…I’m sorry.”

Baekhyun could hear the other sigh long and hard.

“What am I going to do with you Byun Baekhyun?”

The said male squeezed shut his eyes a second time, as if anticipating the storm of hurtful words that never arrived. Instead, a gentle hand brushed against the side of his head, a gesture far too tender for Baekhyun to resist any further. His eyes locked with Chanyeol.

The taller of the two whispered, “You’ve become thinner again. Just what have you been feeding yourself aside from instant ramyeon?”

The other couldn’t speak.

“Why in the world did you have to run away?”

Baekhyun subconsciously leaned in.

“But don’t you dare to think that I have forgiven you!” Chanyeol abruptly rose his voice. “I can’t believe I have the chance to say this to your face but Byun Baekhyun, you are fucking stupid.”

He tried to resist the short male’s wounded expression and continued.

“Do you have any clue just how fucking unfair you are!? To think that you know exactly where I’ll be, here on this street, in this house. Yet, you yourself, never once have you have ever left a clue for me to find you! It is as if you can come back here whenever you want and I’ll welcome you with open arms, but on my part, I don’t even have the slightest bit of privilege to choose. How can you just reappear and disappear from my life as if it’s all a fucking joke!? Just how selfish are you!?”

Byun Baekhyun bit onto his bottom lip. His heart ached immensely from those words. Not because of them, but every bit of agony the other had encountered behind their spiky façades. He felt resentful at no one else but himself.

“How could you just leave like that!? Not even just once, but three times! Leaving behind nothing at all! Just how much of a worthless fucking loser am I to you Byun Baekhyun!?” Chanyeol didn’t stop. “Did you think that I let you work here simply out of foolish pity? Please, I’m a drained architecture student who hardly has time to sleep. Don’t you fucking get it? It’s so that you have enough experience to not be rejected by another store once we close for good. It’s so that you can actual write on a stupid resume of something else other than the fact that you are a high school graduate. It’s so that you can have enough strength and skills to begin something on your own, anything.

After all, I know better than everyone else in this world about your stupid pride.”

His large hands cupped around Baekhyun’s face, ever so delicately, as if he was holding the most precious jewel in the world despite the harshness of the words that just bounced off his tongue.

Park Chanyeol was the unfair one, the shorter male desperately thought. His heart pounded louder and louder.

“…And,” The other’s voice suddenly grew hoarse, and exceptionally soft. “to think you have never even gave me a chance to say, ‘I love you’.”

Since a long time ago, Byun Baekhyun’s body had remained painfully still. The last few words instantly stirred a dramatic flinch. Chanyeol leaned in closer and closer, until his breaths brushed over the tip of Baekhyun’s nose. Their eyes didn’t dare to depart from one another.

“Let’s figure something out together.” The taller male’s gentle whisper softly caressed the other’s heated cheeks. “We have the rest of our lives to spare. So please, please don’t run away again, now that you have willingly come back. I… I don’t think my heart can take it.”

Byun Baekhyun didn’t utter a word. His lips began to draw a lovely curve, just as his eyes fluttered close. Steadily, his arms circled behind Chanyeol’s neck and closed off the tiny distance between them for good. Their lips at last collided, tenderly, impatiently, affectionately, hungrily. As if every word in the world simply melted into one long-waited kiss that stirred frantic rippled within their hearts. Numbness tingled about every inch of Baekhyun’s skin, yet he couldn’t care less. More. He needed more. Both of them had craved for more for so long.

An eternity must have past when they finally pulled apart.

Truthfully, Baekhyun wished to cry. But it seemed his tears have run dry a long time ago. So instead, with gleaming eyes that reflected the tiny universe that solely belonged to the two of them, he smiled with everything he had. To live, to fly, to dream. If Park Chanyeol could hold onto his hand, then Byun Baekhyun was no longer afraid. He took a leap forward, one of immense bravery just like the boy with short hair from years ago, cladded beneath his proud baseball jacket like his protective armour.

Into a warm embrace he had rested, cheeks dusted by the crimson of happiness that painted the entire world beneath a hue of delight. At once, everything around him drifted from black and greys.

Byun Baekhyun saw nothing but colours.

\-------

“Just so you know, meeting you has been the best thing that had ever happened to me in this shitty miserable life.”

Park Chanyeol immediately gazed up from the kitchen counter as his eyes landed on Baekhyun who had sat on the sofa nearby. It had been almost three weeks, yet the other was still rigid as ever inside Chanyeol’s house. It was… really cute, the taller male couldn’t help to think to himself.

“That was sudden.” He replied as he sat down beside Baekhyun. Two full mugs also appeared over the wooden coffee table.

Yet, to be utterly honest, Chanyeol had seen this day coming. He tried to convince himself that he was ready.

Slowly, his eyes shifted onto Baekhyun, who stared back with eyes of longingness and sorrow, but also an almost blinding gleam of determination. Subconsciously, the sight made Chanyeol smile. It caught the taller male a little unaware when the other gently rested his forehead against his shoulder. Chanyeol couldn’t help to tense up just by a little.

Baekhyun began to speak.

“I think… I will have to leave this place for a little while.” He muttered, light breaths like snowy feathers that brushed over Chanyeol’s arm, who didn’t reply. Baekhyun sighed. “Everything has been… well. It is the first time that I lasted so long in a job, and the first time I’ve ever felt like things will be… okay.”

He looked up into Chanyeol’s eyes.

“Like I said, meeting you, Park Chanyeol, has been the best thing that ever occurred to me. And I don’t think I am capable of ever imagining a life without you. But, this tiny space of so-called comfort I am in right now, I know it won’t last forever. I… I also don’t like the idea of living day by day just for the sake of staying alive. There is more in the world I wish to encounter, to experience before my senses finally knock me back and demand me to feel afraid. Gosh… I probably make no sense at all.”

With enough warmth to occupy the air around them, the taller male lifted up his hands and tenderly cupped the other’s cheeks. “Keep on going.” He gently uttered with affectionate eyes.

The slightest bit of hesitance bounced off the dark brown orbs of Baekhyun’s eyes. He gave a small nod.

“I want to travel. To see different places and meet different people. And to figure things out about myself, what I truly wish to do and the limit to my capability. Because for so long, I never had a proper thought about these things. All that really caught onto my mind was how pitiful I must’ve looked to others, and I really want to change that. Like you have said, life sure is long. I just… I just hate to think that while you will be moving forward with every bit of hopefulness for the future, I’ll only be stuck here, moving in circles. I truly mean it when I say that I want to catch up to you Chanyeol. I want to live with a full heart that doesn’t dwell on my regrets.”

He paused and wasn’t sure if he should go on any further. So Baekhyun merely focused on Chanyeol’s eyes that seemed to contain the magic of pulling him closer and closer, until the tip of their nose were merely centimetres apart. As if something had tugged the back of their thoughts in unison, the two suddenly broke into endless laughter, a sight that looked incredibly foolish.

Baekhyun began to arch his spine and lean backwards, chest trembling with childish giggles when a pair of arms wrapped around his torso and pulled him back, until his cheek met against a firm chest. The laughter soon died down, replaced by sighs of relief.

“Promise me you’ll be safe. And that you will eat well.” Chanyeol didn’t say anything else. He placed a gentle kiss over the crown of Baekhyun’s head. “You better not get any skinner. Or I’ll actually consider locking you up, here.” He ended the last sentence with another small laugh.

The shorter male buried his face in the soft fabric of the other’s cloth and nodded. He remained quiet for a while. Then, in a hushed whisper, he murmured,

“I love you.”

He slowly repeated once again.

“I love you.”

Chanyeol’s fingers affectionately ran through Baekhyun messy locks.

“I love you too.”

\-------

When Byun Baekhyun finally stepped onto the train with his knapsack, he didn’t look back.

Because he knew Park Chanyeol would always be there, waiting for him at the same spot in that familiar neighbour. And this time, the other also knew that he will definitely return, no matter what.

The both of them have planted wordless promises for each other, one yet to be fulfilled in the delightful days to come.

It seemed; winter had finally passed.

Now was time for everything wonderful.

\-------

_[Three years later]_

Park Chanyeol didn’t think it would be this warm inside the airport. Carefully, he shrugged off his thick jacket and carried it in his arms. With an anxious heart, he waited at the exit amongst the crowd. He wondered if the plane was delayed again. Although, that wouldn’t have been the first time it occurred. But Baekhyun would always tell him before boarding, so there should be nothing wrong. Perhaps he was just getting a little impatient. It had been three months since Baekhyun was last at home. To think a freelance photographer was busier than a practicing architect, Chanyeol silently smiled to himself. He felt tremendously proud of his lover.

When the glass doors final began to slide open, he was instantly snapped away from his thoughts. Chanyeol couldn’t help to pace back and forth, until a familiar figure finally entered his field of vision. Another man, who adorned the same coloured woollen scarf as his own hurriedly weaved through the crowd, until he stood in front of Chanyeol with gleaming eyes and curved lips.

The taller male grinned.

“Welcome back.” He opened his arms.

Without another second to spare, Baekhyun leapt into his embrace.

“I’m home.” He announced blissfully.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!


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